


It's been written in the scars on our hearts

by Madalena



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Because Magnus and Alec Don't Need to Do This Alone, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Fix-It of Sorts, Hopeful Ending, Jace and Clary are Good Friends, M/M, Supportive Clary Fray, Supportive Jace Wayland, Vulnerable Alec Lightwood, Vulnerable Magnus Bane, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 20:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11192592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalena/pseuds/Madalena
Summary: After the events of 2x12 "You Are Not Your Own", Magnus and Alec aren't left to pick up the broken pieces of their lives alone. Jace and Clary help each of them deal with their feelings and pain and emotions so that they can properly talk to each other about everything that happened.





	It's been written in the scars on our hearts

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the second post-2x12 fic I've posted today. And I still have two more to do (but not today). You could say that I have Feelings.
> 
> This fic does not exist in the same universe as my other post-2x12 fic (I don't care if heaven won't take me back) or my Shadowhunters series fics (The Peacemaker Chronicles and The Weight of the World).
> 
> Obviously spoilers for 2x12 "You Are Not Your Own", including discussions of torture. I wanted to explore the idea that Magnus and Alec aren't left alone after what is a traumatic event for both of them - particularly one that they have to deal with differently due to the positions they were in. They have people who can help with them, who can support them in the ways that they need.

“Magnus, tell me how to fix this. Just tell me what to do. _Please._ ”

But Magnus didn’t respond. Alec looked at him, begging with his eyes for Magnus to say something, anything, but he just stared blankly ahead, his gaze centuries away.

_And it had all been because of him._

Alec could feel the guilt eating away at him. Threatening to consume him, but he wouldn’t let it show, knowing that it wasn’t what Magnus needed right now, and he wanted nothing more than to be whatever it was that Magnus needed.

He heard someone clear their throat, and he looked up sharply, wondering who else was here.

It was Jace and Clary, Jace still tied up like he had been in the Projection. Where had Jace been during the bodyswitch, anyway? And how had Clary gotten back? Had so much time passed?

As if his parabatai was reading his thoughts, Jace answered. “Valentine had thrown me into the next room, still tied up. You had other things to worry about, I get it. But when Sebastian returned to the Institute on his own, Clary knew that I must have been out of it somewhere, so she came back.”

Alec nodded, not thinking of anything that he could say.

“Magnus?” Jace asked hesitantly. “I… I know that you’ve had a really rough day, but these are magical bonds, I can’t get out of them, if you could please… I’d really appreciate it.”

Magnus nodded absently, waving his hand in Jace’s directions and the bonds disappeared.

“Thanks, man.” Jace said, rubbing his wrists. He turned to go, but Clary stopped him, whispering in his ear. He nodded and turned back to the men on the couch.

“Alec… Clary wants to talk to you. Can you go upstairs with her? I’ll stay here with you, Magnus, if that’s all right.”

Magnus nodded again, expressionless. Alec didn’t make any move to get up from the couch on his own, but when Clary took one of his hands in hers and tugged, he followed her upstairs.

It was only when the door to the roof opened, when the cool air hit them, that Alec realized where they were. He hadn’t been back to the rooftop terrace since that night when he’d almost thrown himself off the roof because of what he thought he was hearing from Clary. That he was a murderer. That he was weak. That he didn’t deserve to live.

The door shut behind him and he fell back against it, sliding to the ground, sobs starting to take over his body. He hated that he was crying in front of Clary, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Clary didn’t say anything, she just sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. But hadn’t she wanted to talk about something?

He tried to reign in his sobs, hiccuping as he brought his emotions back under control, wiping the tears off his face roughly with the backs of his hands.

“Sorry… y-you… you wanted to talk to me?”

“I wanted to help you, Alec. Since I know you won’t help yourself without being forced into it.”

“I don’t deserve help. Not after what I put Magnus through.”

“Alec, I know better than anyone the pain and guilt you put yourself through when you’ve done something horrible through no fault of your own.”

“But it is my fault. I should have known. From the way Valentine brushed me off here when I came to see Magnus, the details that Magnus said about our lives when he was trying to convince me it was him… I shouldn’t have doubted him.”

“We know what Valentine is like. If Valentine had told me that he was Simon, I’m not sure I would have been able to believe him either.”

“You would have. You’re Clary Fairchild. You don’t doubt the ones you love. You trust. You run single-mindedly after a goal and accomplish it.”

“At what cost?” Clary asked, half-angry and half-crying. “I know you don’t think I think about the consequences of my actions. And maybe I didn’t, when I was just focused on getting my mom back. But now that I’ve had time to think about it? I almost destroyed your entire family’s lives. Magnus’ friend Ragnor Fell died because of me. Simon is _dead_ and a _vampire_ and it is all because of me. I have to live with that.”

“People make their own choices.” Alec said dully. “You didn’t do any of that directly. It wasn’t your hand that caused any of that. I was rough with Magnus. _I let them torture him._ I wasn’t under any sort of spell. I wasn’t possessed. I… I almost let her _kill him. I strapped him to a chair_ and let her pull a knife on him.”

“Alec…”

“No. There’s nothing you can say that can excuse that. I almost killed the man I love. And I’m trying to apologize and _nothing_ I say will ever be good enough. Because it can’t be. I said I’m sorry. Do you know how damn inadequate that sounds?”

“I know you know I do.” Clary said softly, remembering her mother’s death.

“But I don’t want to leave because I don’t want him to think that I don’t care, I don’t want him to think that I just want to escape and not think about it because what happened is _all_ that I think about and I just want to be there for him but I don’t know how and I know he can’t trust me and it just _hurts_ so much.”

“I know. Love hurts. That’s how you know it is real.”

“But I can’t tell him any of that. Not when it feels so damn inadequate compared to what he’s going through. _I did this to him._ It’s my fault. I can’t be worried about what I feel when he’s dealing with what happened to him.”

“You have to deal with what happened too.” Clary said steadily, putting a hand on his arm. “That’s why I’m here. That’s why Jace is downstairs talking to Magnus. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Either of you. But you’re not ready to deal with it together yet. But we’ll be here for you until you are. We’re not going anywhere.”

“Jace is my parabatai. Why is he with Magnus instead of you?”

“Because I’ve seen you in the throes of despair in a way that he hasn’t. And he has some stuff to tell Magnus, anyway.”

“I don’t know what you want me to talk about.”

“When you know, you’ll tell me.”

Clary rested her head back on Alec’s shoulder, and waited.

* * *

Once Alec had gone upstairs with Clary, Jace took his place on the couch next to Magnus. Magnus looked at him briefly, dispassionately, and resumed his troubled stare into the distance.

“Look…” Jace sighed. “I just wanted to say… you can’t blame Alec. Not entirely, anyway. This morning, after the first time he saw you down in the cells, Alec came to me. He thought it was you, not Valentine. I convinced him not to believe you. That it was just Valentine and his tricks. He wanted to believe you. I told him not to get taken in by Valentine’s lies. I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make up for what he did, or what I did, but… I had to say it.”

Magnus nodded, not shifting his gaze. “Have you ever been subjected to an Agony rune?”

“No. But I have been interrogated with the Mortal Sword. I don’t know if that compares.”

“The power of the Mortal Sword is a mere whisper compared to an Agony rune.” Magnus said softly.

Jace chose not to ask how Magnus knew what the Mortal Sword felt like, letting him speak at his own pace.

“An Agony rune conjures up the worst pain you’ve ever felt, the worst memories you have. Channels them into the most vulnerable parts of you. Pours all that pain and terror into you, over and over again.”

Jace just nodded.

“Being centuries old… I have more than my fair share of painful moments. Agonizing encounters. Betrayals. Losses. But the Agony rune is smart. It _thinks_.”

“It thinks?”

“It pulls out the ones that are the hardest to deal with - the first horrible memory, and the most recent one. So of course I relived my mother’s suicide, over and over again.”

“I’m so sorry, Magnus.”

Magnus continued as if Jace hadn’t spoken. “But the most recent… it was Alexander, in my cell. His hands on me, so rough. Him yelling at me. Him not believing me, despite talking about private intimate moments that were just between us that Valentine had no way of knowing about. How I tried to show him how much I loved him but he just kept pushing me away.”

“I can’t imagine how that must have felt. But I do know something about feeling like your whole world has been turned upside down and the person you loved more than anyone else in the world being the one responsible for it.”

Magnus wasn’t sure if Jace meant Clary or Valentine, after he had revealed that it was him and not Michael Wayland who had raised him. He was also in no mood to ask.

“After I learned that I was just raised to be Valentine’s weapon… that Valentine hadn’t killed my father but had been him the whole time… and then he made me think that Clary and I were siblings… I may have loved him as a father, but he never loved me. Not like a father should. I was just a means to an end for him.”

“Are you going somewhere with this?” Magnus said tiredly.

“What I mean is… that caused me to question everything. My entire life, everything I knew. I was in a really dark place. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I still don’t sometimes. Especially after what we learned tonight. But you don’t have to do that.”

“Don’t I? The man I love let me be tortured. He put me in the chair where someone was going to kill me.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t have penance to do. But he loves you. He loves you so much it is hurting me right now how much pain he’s in over what he did to you.” Jace’s hand went to his parabatai rune. “He made a mistake. And I encouraged him to do it. I thought I was protecting him, but… all I did was hurt you. I… the day of Max’s rune ceremony, I told you I wouldn’t let anyone hurt him. I failed. I hurt you and that hurts him worse than anything else I could do.”

“His was still the hand that hurt me.”

“I know. And you need to talk to him about that. But first you can talk to me. Sort through everything. Clary and I aren’t going anywhere until you’ve both been taken care of and are ready to talk to each other.”

Magnus finally turned to give Jace a long look, raising an eyebrow in a callback to a happier time. “Never thought you’d be my babysitter.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t think I would be either. But here we are.”

* * *

Hours and then days passed. Isabelle delivered food and clothing unobtrusively to both pairs. Alec and Clary were glad that the rooftop garden came equipped with its own bathroom. Magnus and Jace were thankful that Valentine or Azazel hadn’t damaged Magnus’ workout room.

Clary had to take away Alec’s stele to prevent him from carving Agony runes into his own skin, and then ask Isabelle to take hers as well. Jace had to wake Magnus up from nightmare after nightmare. Alec spoke to Clary of his worst fears and the insecurities that clawed him up inside. Magnus spoke to Jace about centuries of horrors that he’d kept carefully locked away.

Clary and Jace kept each other updated by text whenever the opportunity allowed. Isabelle fended off an angry Inquisitor who demanded to know where the others were and when they would be coming back.

How many days passed in the end, no one knew anymore. But one evening as the sun was setting, Clary received a simple message back from Jace.

_He’s ready._

Clary put her phone back in her pocket and helped Alec to his feet. “It’s time.”

Alec nodded. “He’s ready to see me?”

“He is.”

“Thank you, Clary.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Clary led Alec back downstairs. Magnus and Jace were standing there, next to the couch that they’d been left on. Jace and Clary slipped away, leaving Magnus and Alec alone.

They looked at each other for the first time in days. Magnus wasn’t wearing any makeup. Alec looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. They were cautious, tentative, even terrified.

Magnus stepped closer to Alec. Alec didn’t move, letting Magnus guide the direction of where and how things would go.

“Hi.” Magnus said softly.

“Hi.” Alec said, barely above a whisper.

Magnus took one of Alec’s hands between his. Alec willed himself not to tremble but couldn’t help but feel at least a tiny bit relieved that Magnus was ready to touch him.

“This hand… I’ve been having so many nightmares. That was one of the greatest pains of my life that the Agony rune put me through again and again. That you would _hurt_ me.”

“I know. I can’t excuse it. I’d understand if you never wanted to see me again. It would hurt me, so much, but I would understand it.”

“I do want to see you. That memory wouldn’t have been able to hurt me if I didn’t love you so much.”

“Clary said that love hurts. That’s how you know it’s real.”

“She was right. I tried imagining my life without you now and… it isn’t a life I want to go back to. We still need time to make things right, but… if you still want me, I’m yours.”

Relief flooded through Alec. “Of course I do. You’re all I think about. Magnus… I… I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Magnus pulled Alec in close, and Alec dared to wrap his arms around him, breathing a sigh of relief as Magnus relaxed into his touch.

They would heal.

_“Just give me a reason/Just a little bit's enough/Just a second we're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again/It's in the stars/It's been written in the scars on our hearts/That we're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again”_

**Author's Note:**

> Title and end lyrics from P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason".


End file.
